Originally published in The Cut 10/07/2014 BY ALLISON P. DAVIS
In summer, any leisure activity enjoyed indoors easily becomes an outdoor activity: eating, boozing, watching the movies, having the sex. That’s right, when the temperature rises, it means people can finally answer the primal urge within to do as our first ancestors did, and treat the whole natural world as our bone zone. “It’s warm!” the body thinks. “Let’s have sex by the rivers, lakes, mountain peaks, and lush, fertile valleys all over this great nation.”
Well, not to be a total doomsayer here, but remember: Once you leave the sanctity of your apartment — a safe, controlled environment — it’s a wild, variable sexual space. Imagine you’re bedding down in a nice patch of grass in a public space or campsite and a bear charges, or a horde of bees appears, or a conservative neighbor sees you — do you know what to do? Well, in case your scout training fails you, here’s our guide to surviving outdoor-sex disaster scenarios. Remember, luck favors the well prepared and sexually adventurous.
What to do if you …
Get caught by easily offended neighbors.
There’s no need to roam far and wide to enjoy nookie in the natural world when you have your own little plot of land. But if a nosy neighbor spots you humping like rabbits in your own garden (or, for city dwellers, your terrace, rooftop, or fire escape) those Debbie Downers can ruin your outdoor romp faster than an unexpected rain shower.
Possible consequence: Those conservative neighbors will probably cast you as the neighborhood harlot and tell the whole building. They might even paint a scarlet S (for sex-haver) on your door. Either way, good luck making eye contact at the next neighborhood BBQ.
How to fix it: Tell ’em to deal; this is America, and we pay taxes to have sex on our own property. But if you’d like to be polite and make amends, etiquette expert and Emily Post descendant Lizzie Post has this advice: “I would just take it inside, and then if it’s a person you’re going to see regularly, don’t buy them a bottle of wine or a jokey gift of, like, horse blinders or something. Just a quick apology, write them a little note saying: ‘I hope we didn’t offend you, we’ll try not to let it happen again.'” Try.
Get caught by the cops.
An added thrill of fornicating in the wild is the knowledge that you might get busted by the five-oh mid-coitus. Sure, you’re facing arrest, and public humiliation, but they’ll provide the handcuffs and maybe some light roughhousing if you resist. Hot.
Possible consequences: According to NYPD public information officer Lieutenant Grimpel, you’ll most likely be arrested or receive a criminal summons for exposure of a person and public lewdness, both of which are Class B misdemeanors. You’re looking at potential probation, community service, and fines — or, if you’re a repeat offender, part-time jail or a short-term sentence. But you’ll have a hell of a story to tell during your one phone call!
How to fix it: Do the crime, pay the fine.
Get caught by Google Street View drones.
Sometimes, maybe on a long car trip or a particularly sexually charged errand-running session, you just need to spontaneously get laid by the side of the road. But remember, Big Brother is always watching. You’re never safe from Google cameras, as this couple found out.
Possible consequence: Your O-face is forever captured on Google Street View, accessible every time someone (including your mom) Googles directions to Sextyown, Bootyville, Population 2.
How to fix it: Contact Google. They provide “easily accessible tools allowing users to request further blurring of any image that features the user, their family, their car or their home.” Or forget about obscuring that image and think of it like a sexy, digital time capsule.
Get sunburned on parts that rarely see the sun.
Another added bonus of sex in the great outdoors is feeling the warmth of the sun upon the beast with two backs. But any erotic acrobatics could result in unprecedented sun exposure: according to WebMD, sunburned vaginal lips are a possibility. Be prepared.
Possible consequence: Extreme discomfort, peeling, weird tan lines.
How to fix it: The standard WebMD remedies — i.e., cold compresses, liberal application of aloe vera, and, if you want to have sex while sporting a sunburn later, perhaps aloe-vera lube.
Get sand-flea bites during beach sex.
Well, we should all just stop pretending that sand and saltwater are pleasant bedfellows — but if you insist on advocating for beach sex, please beware of little micro crustaceans getting all up in there and viciously biting with their little jaws and venomous nibbles.
Possible consequence: Lots of itchy bumps and welts on your feet, definitely, and maybe even on your genitals, too. You might think you have crabs.
How to fix it: First go to the doctor to rule out crabs, and then purchase a standard anti-itch cream and apply liberally.
Are charged by a protective mama bear.
Maybe you’re camping, perhaps you’re taking a hike and your unexpected sex romp has an unexpected visitor — a big, angry bear, protecting her young from seeing your lewd acts. Bears, like Google, are everywhere.
Possible consequence: Mauling. Death.
How to fix it: First, is it a black bear, grizzly bear, or a brown bear? Who cares! It’s a bear! Stop thrusting immediately. Don’t panic. Don’t reach for your clothes; you must deal with this in the nude. PBS recommends avoiding eye contact with said bear, speaking in low, soft monotones while waving your arms so the bear knows you are humans and not food. If the bear makes contact, curl up in a ball and play dead until it’s all over. Also, don’t have any bear-attracting snacks out during sex.