Today’s One Liners

Mums are so fickle. One minute it’s “actions speak louder than words”, and the next, “it’s a bloody job interview, not a game of charades!”.

If you want to avoid physical comedy in your kitchen, you should buy non-shtick pans.

Edinburgh Panda gets pregnant as loads of people are boozing at the festival. I can’t be the only one thinking “drunken dare gone wrong”?

People mock autocorrect, but it’s useful for times like this when you’re tweeting while wanking over cobbles.

I was going to start breeding gun dogs and wondered whether anyone would be able to give me a few pointers?

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