Today’s One Liners

The worst thing you can do if you’re being attacked by a bear is to try and make it laugh.

This tuna was caught using sustainable pole and line methods and so basically OK about being in this sandwich.

You should only be allowed to read Catch 22 if you’ve read it before.

New bingo call idea: ‘All the twats… No.10.’

I usually get paid in sexual favours in return for a haircut. This year I have loads. It’s been a bum per crop.

I’ve never been to Crawley. It sounds creepy.

I call my penis “Pennsylvania” because it’s like a pencil, but veinier.

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