Today’s One Liners

Accidentally put my grocery shopping in the same bag as my electronics shopping. Now my Wii smells of asparagus.

I love my kids’ faces when they first see the stockings on Christmas Day. But it’s the lacy knickers I wear on top that really upset them.

Met my girlfriend in Polynesia. Tonga? Not on the first date…

A picture is worth a thousand words, everyone knows that. Now stop arguing and give me the Mona Lisa in exchange for this short story.

It’s so sad that the hungry caterpillar grew up to be a social butterfly obsessed with dieting.

Q. How many passive-aggressive people does it take to change a light bulb? A. Don’t worry, I’ll just do EVERYTHING

I can’t believe the internet is so slow that Australian people’s tweets don’t get here until night time.

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