Today’s One Liners

I’d planned to make clay models of composers this weekend, but that’s Bach fired.

Just a shame the Americans aren’t very good with irony. Or putter-y and driver-y. #RyderCup2014

Great to see Europe and America fighting over who gets to control the Gulf. Sorry. Golf. #RyderCup2014

Apple should release water bottles and call it ‘cloud storage’.

I once saw Paddington open a jar of marmalade with his own bear hands.

If you crash into a parked car and don’t have a paper and pen, simply use a key to scratch your insurance details on to the bonnet.

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