Today’s One Liners

Booked a hummer as a surprise for my girlfriend’s birthday. Next time she wants someone who actually knows the words.

You know boiled sweets, right, you can eat them raw.

Émile Zola once wrote an open letter complaining about the size of his hot-tub. It was a little J’accuse-y.

Nice try, advertising, but I’m pretty sure the real reason Peter Andre goes to Iceland is the crippling alimony and tax bills.

I didn’t pay my Syntax, and got a poorly constructed prison sentence.

This request to marry my daughter – is it bona fide? Haha, ‘bona’. Welcome to the family, Son.

All dogs go to Heaven, so as if the constant harp music isn’t bad enough, there are dogs everywhere too. Sounds horrible.

People in glasshouses shouldn’t live in glasshouses. They’re too cold in winter and too hot in summer. A brickhouse is what you want really.

I think it was Gandhi who once said “Just put it over there for now and I’ll let him know.”. Not one of his more memorable quotes, I admit.

When I was little I thought you could only get a beard from kissing a goat.

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