Today’s One Liners

This week on Embarrassing Bodies, FIFA.

I was invited to join a ‘Constipation Society’ meeting. Ironically, I couldn’t go.

My use of synonyms continues to go from strength to strength.

You can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs, but you can break eggs without making an omelette. I just did, on the kitchen floor.

In Britain we need a new, caring kind of politics and a new, compassionate party to champion it. I hereby announce the formation of: UKHUN?

I have an inferiority complex AND a superiority complex. You probably hate me and one day I’ll explain to you why.

McDonald’s employing Hamburglar is just one of many heartwarming examples of giant corporations helping a petty thief turn his life around.

The camera adds ten pounds, which is why I never eat cameras

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