Today’s One Liners

My heating is making noises like Bertha. I’m expecting one of my radiators to spout out a cuckoo clock

I really love it when people can’t tell whether I’m being sarcastic or not.

I invented my time machine next week.

What was the first rule of Amnesia Club again?

The best thing about attacking people with obscure Mediaeval artefacts, is that they genuinely don’t know what hit them.

Tried to buy my girlfriend a sparkly dress, but it only comes in sizes 0, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, and 34. Must be the Fibonacci Sequins.

‘Post Office’ fancy dress party? I’ll be there in a jiffy.

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