Today’s One Liners

If the coalition ends, David Cameron won’t have a Clegg to stand on.

My maths teacher at primary school was Miss Holland. It seems the competition must have been judged very differently in those days.

All technology is ‘wearable’, with enough duct tape.

My friend said I couldn’t practise Chinese Burns on him, but eventually I twisted his arm.

Bob The Builder, can he die from a nut allergy? Yes, pecan.

Mick Jagger walks like that because he was raised in the wild by pigeons.

Yes, it may look like a pheasant mask, but this is actually my game face.

The Bible is basically the longest set of Terms & Conditions ever, which is why so many people agree with it without Reading it.

Dogs can’t look up, and badgers can’t spell ‘perpendicular’. What a strange world we live in.

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