Today’s One Liners

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

IDEA: A social network for bitching about people behind their backs. “TwoFacebook”.

My girlfriend and I were at it like rabbits last night – eating carrots, and digging a network of tunnels in our garden.

If you count your problems up to 99, then at least one of them must relate to OCD.

‘I can do a great impression of my aunt’, ‘Jemima?’, ‘No, I do the voice as well’.

Ok, starting to get worried now – could everyone just double check down the back of sofas and in coat pockets, in case Kim Jong Un is there?

Not entirely sure why the kids call me ‘Quasimodo’, but I’ve got a hunch.

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

I once got ripped off by a tout, I wanted to see The Cure but he sold me Placebo tickets.

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