Today’s One Liners

USB really is quite a disappointing sequel to USA.

What do we want? Less pedants! Actually, it should be ‘fewer pedants’.

West Ham are the only foorball club named after two things that ISIS hate.

Remember the periods between sunrise and sunset? Those were the days.

Paddington bomb scare? Didn’t realise there was a terror threat from Peru now.

Is it better for the environment to buy canned laughter, or a barrel of laughs?

FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

TOP TIP: Avoid being attacked by bears by disguising yourself as a slightly-too-hot bowl of porridge.

The camera adds 10 pounds. Unless it’s a speed camera, in which case it takes away 100 pounds.

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