Today’s One Liners

Girlfriend said last night “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!” Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

“Your exploding pen, and invisible car, Agent 007. And here’s your…” “…the f*ck is this?!” “…crotchless panties, Agent Provocateur.”

Saw the doctor about my addiction to Chinese Whispers. Gave me tablets and said, “Cake bun of cheese, tree climbs a gay”

But when is GIRL Fawkes night?!

My new girlfriend was devastated to discover that my friends call me ‘The Tripod’ because I take really steady photos.

Thank you for calling the chronic indecisiveness hotline. Please choose from one of the following 3,742 options.

Those push-up bras don’t work. Bought one for my girlfriend, and she can still only manage 10 or so before her arms get tired.

We’ve all seen enough films to know that the ‘jogger’ now has Cameron’s wallet, and is currently wiring £1.7 billion to the EU.

My girlfriend doesn’t like it when I ping her bra strap. Apparently I shouldn’t even be ‘wearing her underwear’ anyway.

They really should just save time on the inevitable by getting the X Factor winner to stack their own CDs on the shelves at supermarkets.

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