Today’s One Liners

FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.

The really impressive thing about the world’s oldest person is that they started life as the world’s *youngest* person.

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

Bought some Kettle Chips today. They seem to be much soggier than Oven Chips.

As far as UKIP is concerned, Halloween is just another day of Romanian looking people turning up on our doorsteps asking for money.

Guys – Let people know you go to the gym regularly, by carrying two invisible rolls of carpet under your arms at all times.

She wants a ‘funny and spontaneous’ guy, yet I tap on her window, uninvited at night, dressed as a clown, and it’s all screams and sirens.

Typoo – smelling mistake

“For you, the sky’s the limit!” – NASA rejection letter

My memory foam mattress is so old it forgets what shape I am from one day to the next. But it remembers me as a child remarkably clearly.

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