Today’s One Liners

You had me at “Hello, I’m a multi-millionaire heiress nymphomaniac with my own vineyard.”

Told my friend that you’re supposed to start Movember clean-shaven. She wasn’t happy.

I’ve started making a Bonfire Night collage out of pasta. Penne for the Guy.

Haunted French pancake shops still give me the crepes. #Halloween

Set up a blog about the world’s worst singer. No hits so far.

My girlfriend has just ironed my “This is what a feminist looks like” t-shirt, and now I’m worried I’ll have to return it.

“Meinen Fuhrer?! Actually, it’s Mein Führer.” Grammar Nazi

She wants a ‘funny and spontaneous’ guy, yet I tap on her window, uninvited at night, dressed as a clown, and it’s all screams and sirens.

Bought some Kettle Chips today. They seem to be much soggier than Oven Chips.

As far as UKIP is concerned, Halloween is just another day of Romanian looking people turning up on our doorsteps asking for money.

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