Today’s One Liners

I definitely pressed the button that said ‘White coffee with sugar’ and not ‘Hot dragon sick’, so I don’t really understand what’s happened.

This printer jam is disgusting

This hangover is so bad that it also has a hangover.

I’m not entirely sure what the name is for a baby octopus, but I have an inkling.

400 tubs of hair removal cream stolen from Boots. Police are looking for a smooth criminal.

Spies who still disguise themselves using newspapers with holes cut out are often behind The Times.

“You guys all rock!” – talking to a crowd of weebles.

A picture is apparently worth 1,000 words, yet Waterstones seem surprisingly unwilling to accept my photos in lieu of payment.

Disney announces film about rechargeable battery tycoon: “The Li-ion King”.

My pencil isn’t prone to making Freudian Slips, but my penis.

“Tex-Mex” combines food from Texas and Mexico, and it’s delicious. So why does nobody want to try my Cumbrian/Sicilian cuisine?

My mate wanted to see Gravity this evening. So I pushed him over.

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