Today’s One Liners

The biggest snob I ever met was Ellie Tist.

Di$n£y ha$ y£t to r£v£al it$ motivation for making Toy Story 4. Th£ whol£ r£a$oning is $hroud£d in my$t£ry.

The inventor of yodelling has died. Sadly, so did his little old lady too

“My bed is half full.” – Lonely optimist

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk

If you’re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you’re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.

All dating is speed-dating if you’re annoying enough.

When somebody’s charged with battery, the prosecution shows the jury Exhibit A, then Exhibit AA, then Exhibit AAA.

A treaty sounds like the perfect way to settle a dispute between two toddlers.

They held hands, kissed tenderly and walked off into the sunset. Sadly, they burned horribly on arrival.

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