Wanted to count my chickens before they’ve hatched, so I put all the eggs in one basket. Can’t imagine this working out badly.
3D drawing. That puts everything into perspective.
My camel looks the same going forwards and backwards. Must be a palindromedary.
If I ever see a big guy wearing a suit and shades, I follow them round so people assume I’m important enough to have a bodyguard.
Once dated an Italian waitress called Lana Evoli. Never had the heart to admit I approached her after reading her name badge in the mirror.
50% off all Disney films this weekend. Which makes “50.5 Dalmatians” particularly brutal.
“THIS IS THE GRAMMAR POLICE, PUT YOUR HANDS UP!” *whispers* “Carl, you ended a sentence with a preposition.” “I’ve made a mockery of us.”
I swallowed the Scrabble tiles Y, S, L, E, F, and M last night, and now I’ve just shit ‘MYSELF’.
My girlfriend has insisted that I take up boxing and call her Adrian. We’re going through a Rocky patch.
Saw an ad offering “The perfect gift for your dad this Christmas”, but when I called, they were out of ‘achieving something with my life’
My dog keeps barking at Common People. Turns out I’ve bought a Jarvis Cocker Spaniel.