Today’s One Liners

Just read that book ‘Nineteen Eighty-Four’ – can’t believe how bad things were back then.

Decided to choose my son’s name by pulling it out of a hat. He’s now called “Large: 58cm – 60cm”.

I’m not a big fan of the cold winter months, but I find comfort in the fact that most wasps are now dead.

I find it impossible to work while music’s playing. Which is why I got chucked out of the band.

The best material to upholster a sofa is satin.

Never go to bed angry. Stay up all night working out how to make their murder look like an accident.

If anyone sends me a work e-mail after midnight, I assume they’ve just murdered someone and plan to use me as an alibi.

MILF: a memory I’d like to forget

1: Connect sewing machine to polygraph test 2: Lie repeatedly 3: Describe new jumper as a fabric of lies 4: Laugh forever

A receding hairline is often just hair’s way of distancing itself from a ridiculous face.

Heart attacks kill far more people than bear attacks, and yet still we allow hearts to live freely among us. Madness.

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