Today’s One Liners

If you are struggling to get your lizard up this morning you may have a reptile dysfunction.

I’m a big fan of home cooking or, as the police insisted on calling it, arson.

My grief counselor died recently, but luckily he was so good I didn’t give a shit.

The other day I was playing football with the little boy next door and at one point I kicked too hard and his head came off.

I had a panic attack the other day, I was sitting on a blanket eating a scotch egg and a guy punched me in the face. Sorry, picnic attack.

Pockets are sentient but so desperately alone. That’s why they ring people but can never speak.

Just been arrested by a blonde policeman. Oh well, it’s a fair cop.

‘Oh my God, a cannibal has broken into a monastery near Coventry’, ‘Nuneaton?’, ‘No, Hinckley’.

How do I get tickets to the Ebola screening?

‘I can do a great impression of my aunt’, ‘Jemima?’, ‘No, I do the voice as well’.

I’m a bit of an adrenaline junkie, if by adrenaline you mean a lovely cup of tea, some biscuits and a lie-in.

Hypochondriacs are proved right in the end.

I like queuing. My dad likes to queue, my granddad used to love it to, in fact you couId say I come from a long line of..

In Norfolk jokes about them being inbred get 20% more applause

Guest One Liners from Gary Delaneys twitter feed 

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