Today’s One Liners

Anyone else think it’s suspicious that Kanye looks nothing like either Fred OR Rosemary West?

“How much is that doggie in the window?”, I asked the Korean butcher.

Apparently, California has the highest rate of Adultery and Depression. It’s a sad State of affairs.

They should rename it, “I’m A Celebrity… Honestly.”

My dog looks exactly like Walter White. He’s a Meth Lab.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes? A. The horrific, deleted scenes from Bambi.

Not saying my new girlfriend gets through men quickly, but even her knickers say ‘next’ in them.

If you’re looking for a spicy wine, I’d recommend the Jalapeño Grigio.

I’m terrible with names. I don’t mean remembering them, I mean I called my kids ‘Pisseagle’ and ‘Fartbanjo’.

Wildebeest for sale. £750. Like Gnu.

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

Got kicked out of the orchestra for embezzlement. I was on the fiddle.

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