Today’s One Liners

Rochester clearly not wanting to leave the possibility of a White Christmas to chance.

I’m always amazed that ‘moisturising shower gel’ exists – just in case you need more moisture than standing, getting covered with water.

If predictive text gets it wrong, instead of changing it I just make it look like that’s what I wanted to say in the first plankton is cool!

Cartoons lied to me about the fact that door handles are low enough to wedge a chair under

I think The Matrix sequels were themselves a glitch in the matrix.

I still don’t think you can call Lewis Hamilton a truly great driver until he’s driven my mother-in-law to IKEA and back with a hangover.

Terrible parenting, a cross-dressing wolf and a brutal axe murder. Little Red Riding Hood really is the perfect story for young children.

My boss just said ‘There’s no such thing as a stupid question.’, to which I replied ‘What time are your basmati rice?’.

I’m available to turn off Christmas lights if required.

The word ‘moustache’ comes from the French word ‘moustache’ meaning ‘moustache’.

As oxymorons go, ‘good bagpiper’ has to be up there with the best.

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