Today’s One Liners

A marathon runner staggers into a bar. The barman says, “Why the long race?”.

Been fired from my job at the pasta factory after a fusilli mistakes.

Americans call it “Fall”, as in “the leaves fall”. We call it “Autumn”, as in “this Autumn-ake it easier to remember”

English Teachers. You mark my words.

‘Rant over.’ – a Yorkshireman explaining to his distraught neighbour what happened to her cat.

Think tank is the most pointless road safety campaign ever.

I de-iced the car this morning with the salty tears of realisation that it’s going to be months until it gets warm again.

Thank God we’re being bombarded with Christmas adverts in November. I was beginning to think everyone had forgotten about it this year.

Me, an upset writer, dozing actor, Steve Tyler’s daughter and Mrs Cullum; I’ve got myself, a crying Tolkien, sleeping Walken, Liv and Dahl.

My local vicar has an ear infection, so he’s had to swap his normal dog collar for one of those cones to stop him scratching it.

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.

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