Today’s One Liners

Just a quick reindeer to always make sure you check for names of large animals randomly appearing in tweets.

I found out why my computer kept freezing. Apparently I had too many windows open.

Despite kidnapping a child, The Snowman remains one of the few media personalities from the 70s yet to be investigated by Operation Yewtree.

“Santa Baby” is a cute song, until you think how genuinely terrifying an infant with full beard coming down your chimney at night would be.

I always remember mum saying, “You treat this house like a hotel!”. Until my Tripadvisor review about ‘rude staff’.

YouGov Poll: 68% of Sun readers pretend to understand the word ‘hypocrite’.

My mate keeps saying I can’t rip another donkey shape out of paper. I’m going to tear him a new ass.

Q. Where did the Elephant go? A. He packed his trunk and went on holiday! Only joking – it was ivory poachers.

I like to imagine TV presenters breaking up with their partners by saying, “I’m afraid that’s all we’ve got time for”.

“Wandsworth” sounds like a nickname for an overly officious Wizard.

[Job interview] “How would you describe yourself?” “I’d use the appropriate adjectives.” “Anything else?” n”Over-literal sometimes.”

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