Today’s One Liners

Every race is a race against time. That’s how racing works

My imaginary friend’s coming to stay tonight so I’ve made up a bed for him

I think my cats have got the right idea. Apart from licking their own bums. They’ve got that bit all wrong.

Asked plumber to give us a quote for our new bathroom. He said how about the purpose of art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls?

Very kind of my girlfriend to ‘adopt a snow leopard’ for me for Christmas, but it’s going to be so hard to tell him I’m not his real dad.

Following a game of Chinese Whispers at the police Christmas party, they’ve successfully infiltrated a ‘chilled prawn ring’.

FUN FACT: The Big Issue website doesn’t have a homepage.

I’ve been sacked from my IT job. Or, ‘forced to quit’ as they put it.

Of course I quickly shut the window, tried to pretend I was looking at porn, but it was too late. She’d already seen the words ‘Daily Mail’.

Weird to think that in another universe Jeremy Clarkson is having his exo-twatbladder scorrated by a mob of angry Wurgs.

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