Today’s One Liners

And how would you describe the assailant?” “I’d probably use words: stylistically, not too many adjectives; similes, maybe a short poem?”


Police have cordoned off an unexploded myth.

My dream is to one day travel to the moon and zhuzh it up a bit with a few knick knacks.

God: Have you got me a Christmas gift? Jesus: What do you get a man who has everything? *God turns & winks to camera* God: Omnipresents

Trying out a new thong today. But I’m not much of a thinger, thadly.

Want to support an X Factor finalist? Call 02087007007 – it’s Mcdonalds HQ, where you can request a job application form for them. #xfactor

Some dating ad abbreviations:

MSW – Men Seeking Women
LS – Light Smoker
WI – Widowed
KBWKA – Killed before, will kill

Stole a load of china from a shop in Yorkshire and got arrested by t’pau-lice.

Woke up laughing this morning. Think I must have slept funny.

It’s been revealed that George Bush knew all about CIA interrogation techniques, though admittedly he thought ‘Dick Cheney’ was one of them.

If you’d told me when I was 6 that, when I grew up, I’d have a job that involved holding a mouse for most of the day, I’d have been excited.

It’s beginning to look a lot like cirrhosis.

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