Today’s One Liners

It’s Afro Caribbean hair day at work tomorrow. I’m dreading it.

The ninth rule of Fight Club is ‘Always unplug the projector after use and wash all cups’.

Not convinced Meghan Trainor IS all about the bass – if you only ate fish, it would be hard to maintain the extra weight she preaches about.

I’d find it very hard to consider anyone who sent me most of the items in “The Twelve Days of Christmas” my ‘true love’.

Give a man a fish, and he’ll tell you he ordered the lamb, and that you’re a terrible waiter.

Holding a bacon sandwich in my left hand, and a sausage sandwich in my right hand. I’m hambidextrous.

AVOID an embarrassing photocopier incident at your work Xmas Party by having a business document tattooed to your arse.

GOD: Right… Chameleon shape done. Now, what colour shall I make… Shit, is that the time? I’ll just give it magic colour-changing powers.

Technically, the best ‘stocking filler’ would be a prosthetic leg.

I’m going to do an Elton John impersonation now. I hope you don’t mind, I hope you don’t mind.

Dressing as a different type of bread each day this week. Roll on tomorrow.

NATURE FACT: If you piss on Sting, he turns into a Jellyfish. Or something like that, I wasn’t paying attention to the documentary.

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