Today’s One Liners

Breaking News: First female bishop to be Ann Ounced.

The new bishop of Stockport has been announced, and it’s a woman. Mitre known.

It’s Bishop Adam and Bishop Eve, not Bishop Adam and Bishop Steve

I used to be obsessed with pantomime cliches, thank God those days are behind me.

My mum takes the true spirit of of Christmas v. seriously – each year I pilgrimage to my birth place only to be told there’s not enough beds

“Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.” Finding the positives in leprosy.

Just seen someone driving home for Christmas in my Rea view mirror.

Father Christmas probably doesn’t believe in you either.

‘Sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I say, as I remove the garland, slowly close the bedroom door and start the four-hour drive home.

Statistically today is the day of the year that you’re most likely to have an accident whilst dressed as Santa Claus.

Struggling for Christmas gift ideas? How about some cheese? There you go. And when you’ve finished eating the cheese, start making a list.

It’s not officially Christmas until I’ve called a roll of Sellotape a twat.

Sorry I’m late. I’ve been untangling Christmas lights for two days and now I can’t keep my arms still.

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