Today’s One Liners

Jesus got his name because Mary shouted it out when she first looked up after giving birth and noticed three random old men staring at her.

So tired I just spent ten minutes looking for the end of the Sellotape before realising that I was actually driving along the A41.

Tesco update: like the Battle of Bosworth, only with more ham.

Get Jesus’ full name by dropping a concrete block on your toe

You know the festive season has kicked in when your stomach makes a noise like a 30ft shipping container being dragged across some cobbles.

If I knew you were coming I’d have baked a cake. And changed out of the gimp outfit. Basically, could you ring to let me know next time?

Gaspar: I bring frankincense
Melchior: I bring Myrrh
Balthasar: I bring gold
Gaspar: Dude there was a £10 limit?
Melchior: This is bullshit.

Towards the end of the Jurassic Period, the Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished, and wiped out.

Jesus commando rolls under sleigh, pulls a gun and shoots rogue Santa. Turns to camera. Crash zoom. “Christ was Bourne on Christmas Day”

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