Today’s One Liners

From all of us here at the Dermatological Society, Merry Eczemas.

Xmas Checklist: Elasticated trousers: Check. “It’s just what I wanted!” face: Check. Family-friendly joke list: Check.

I love my kids’ faces when they first see the stockings on Christmas Day. But it’s the lacy knickers I wear on top that really upset them.

Right, time to light the sleigh and papier-mâché reindeer I made, to create an authentic looking ‘crash site’ for the morning.

I’m cooking venison for Christmas Dinner this year, and serving with one large tomato, so the kids think we’re eating Rudolph.

Christmas is when “blood sugar” is less of a medical term, and more a set of synonyms.

Glad we all got those posed ‘family Christmas’ photos out of the way. Now we can get on with staring at phones and ignoring each other.

UK told ‘brace yourselves for 4 inches of snow’. Which is also a line Jon Snow uses in the bedroom.

Boxing Day is so-called because it’s the day when Jesus packed up unwanted presents to sell on eBay. “Myrrh again? I don’t even like Myrrh!”

Q. What’s Aladdin’s least favourite dessert? A. Jafar Cakes.

Q. What do you call a Reindeer with no eyes? A. A warning from the Elves to Santa about meeting demands on working conditions and salary.

Who’s up for a tiny game of noughts and crosses? You go first #

Bought a Prince costume for New Year for under twenty quid. So I’m going to party like it’s £19.95. Plus P&P.

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