Today’s One Liners

I had assumed Ed Sheeran was a hairdresser.

The thought of people having to put away their ridiculously over the top outside Christmas displays is what gets me through early January.

English Teachers be like “Why are you using the infinitive rather than the 3rd person plural of the verb ‘to be’? You sound like imbeciles.”

Typical, petrol is going to drop to £1 per litre JUST as I give up drinking for a month.

When Heath Robinson was born they worked out when to go to hospital by timing the contraptions.

Beginning to wish that I’d booked the rest of the year off work now.

Botanists hate it when you take a leaf out of their book.

IDEA: Treadmills and exercise bikes in pubs in January, so nobody needs to live a lie.

It’s no use crying over spilled milk. Unless you’re a dairy farmer, and you’re forced to watch helplessly as your livelihood trickles away.

It’s now hard to imagine a world without Katie Hopkins, but I’d thoroughly recommend putting in the effort.

I left my last boyfriend because he wouldn’t stop counting. I often wonder what he’s up to now.

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