Today’s One Liners

A survey shows 98% of Christmas breaks were ‘not too bad’ or ‘over too quickly’, making it uncannily like a review of my sexual performance.

I-V-E J-U-S-T B-E-E-N S-T-U-N-G B-Y A S-P-E-L-L-I-N-G B-E-E.

Disappointed to discover that ‘cocktail sticks’ aren’t walking aids that you get given automatically when you’ve drunk too many.

The average human eats 8 spiders while asleep. I sleep with duct tape over my mouth, so somebody’s eating my share. Possibly you. Goodnight.

There’s no sadder sight than a hippo so hungry he’ll eat marbles for the entertainment of children.

I can usually tell within 100 years of meeting someone if they’re going to be a lifelong friend.

If you bump into someone you havent seen in 7 years, every cell has been replaced and they’re someone new entirely. You don’t have to say hi

I’ve woken up looking like the imaginary friend of a particularly disturbed child.

I was the Wikipedia of my school. People expected me to help with their homework, but completely ignored my constant requests for money

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