Today’s One Liners

It’s a shame that people with the least open minds often have the most open mouths.

What idiot called it ‘feeding your baby in public’ rather than ‘opening a breastaurant’?

If a boob job goes ‘tits up’, is that a good or a bad thing?

My girlfriend told me I needed to be her ‘rock’. She left before I was even half way through the script of the first ‘Scorpion King’.

My dad always told me, “you can’t polish a turd”. In hindsight, I probably should have just taken his word for it.

The Doctor cupped my balls and asked me to cough. At which point I thought I should probably get out of the Tardis.

Now that they’ve released Taken 3, I assume another sequel should be Taken 4: Granted.

When I told my sister she might meet someone at the “A-Team lookalikes night”, she pulled a Face.

Given that the author, title, and brief description of a book are on the cover, I’d say that’s actually one of the best places to judge it.

Oldham will not agree to go ahead with Ched Evans. So at least that will be familiar territory for him.

Sad to discover that ‘superbugs’ isn’t the name of a rabbit with special powers.

I like my women how I like my coffee: drunk at breakfast.

Asked a beautiful lady if I could have her phone number. She said yes, and now I keep getting calls from guys asking me out.

Guns don’t kill people. Nor do religions. People with guns who misinterpret religions to further their own agendas kill people. Bastards.

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