Today’s One Liners

I refer to my genitals as the ‘Crown Jewels’. Mainly because they’re often on display to tourists at the Tower of London

I’ve spent ages conquering my fear of chickens, by developing a machine to make wire enclosures for them. It’s a cooping mechanism.

“I have parrot-like reflexes.” “Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?” “Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

7/10 students now get a 2:1, but students insist degrees aren’t getting easier – “65% isn’t *that* high” said a recent 2:1 maths graduate.

Well these so-called rescue dogs are shit, aren’t they? Mine can’t even climb a ladder, never mind drive a fire engine.

So many kids these days are addicted to brackets. I blame the parentheses.

‘The world’s oldest person has died’ means the same as ‘the world’s oldest person has gotten younger’.

I support feminism, and white male rappers. I’m a Femineminemeninist.

Recent Results for Lion King FC:
A win, away,
A win, away,
A win, away,
A win, away.

“I know I speak on behalf of all of us…” – Ventriloquist to his dummies

Statisticians are men of means.

Surely it can’t be long now ’til hairdressers finally release the results of that massive poll they’ve been taking on holiday destinations?

I think Tony Blair should put his money where his mouth is. It might muffle him a bit.

Think I may have narcolepsy, but I’m certainly not going to lose any sleep over it.

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