Today’s One Liners

Recreate the experience of being on Storage Hunters by shouting “Oh yeah!” every time you open your garage.

Britain’s oldest person is celebrating her 112th Birthday, just 3 days after the death of the previous title holder. Surely “too soon”?

Britain’s oldest person has died. When are the police going to take more notice of the fact that this mysteriously KEEPS happening.

Still in bed reading a magazine, before the IKEA trip. The lie-in, the Which?, then the wardrobe.

Sad that due to EU bureaucracy, Winnie the Pooh now lives in the “404,686 Square Metre Wood”.

Q. Why doesn’t Christopher Robin like giving massages? A. It makes him knead a Pooh.

There are way too many weirdos on Social media. I’m just glad that me and my real human-hair doll collection are safe here in my mum’s basement.

Kept making Freudian Slips in front of my date, then one thong led to a mother.

There’s a man from the Poetry Society at the door. He’s come to check my metre.

The three most important things to get right in a tweet are speling, punctuation: and grammars.

People who wash jumpers at high temperatures are a tight-knit community

If only Lego had some way to make themselves an Oscar.

Lego refuses to comment on Oscar snub, due to lack of middle finger on toys.

One, Two, Three O’clock, Four O’clock rock, Five, Six, Seven O’clock, Eight O’clock rock – Geology Teacher’s Timetable

Screw this satire, clever word-play, and heated debate, I’m off to Facebook to see what people had as their picture when they joined

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