Today’s One Liners

Just seen some statistics on the most common way that people walk when drunk. It’s staggering.

Cameron called Britain ‘factory for Europe’. He obviously deleted an ‘unsatis’ by mistake.

My TV turns on when I say ‘Ulysses’. It’s Joyce activated.

So I clicked on the ‘Your energy bill explained’ button. Just a silent video of a man dancing with multicoloured ribbons in his hands.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will completely destroy my confidence and plague me for eternity on a much deeper level.

Tess Daly to be reduced to Tess Weekly due to family commitments.

I was going to grow a beard, but then remembered that I work in marketing, so I’ve decided to implement a facial hair strategy instead.

Having just watched the news I think I might put Schindler’s List on to try and cheer myself up.

Henry F. Philips: I’ve invented the world’s most revolutionary screwdriver. Alan Flathead: Oh for fuck’s sake. I just about to do that.

Don’t talk to me about bad metaphors, I’ve got them coming out of my arms.

Show your wife who’s boss by emailing her a photo of your manager.

My ex left because I “lack imagination”. “Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.

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