Category Archives: Funny

Insane US School Principal Wants Students to Throw Canned Food at Intruders

downloadby C.A. Pinkham 18/01/2015

Picture yourself as the parent of a US middle schooler. Now picture you get a letter from a school administrator asking you to have your child bring in an 8 oz canned food item. “Great!” you think. “Canned food drives are helpful to the homeless and destitute!” Then you read the rest of the letter and find out that the food isn’t going to be used to feed the needy, but will instead be weaponized for use against school intruders.

That’s actually a thing that is happening right now. God, I love this country sometimes.

Priscella Holley, Principal of W.F. Burns Middle School in Valley, Alabama* is, like most school administrators, justifiably concerned about the possible presence of intruders on school grounds. Where Principal Holley differs from most administrators, however, is in the fact that her solution to the potential problem is less “call the police” or “have evacuation/lockdown procedures in place” and more “pelt the criminals with baked beans.” The aforementioned letter was sent out just over a week ago, and reads, in part:

“We realize at first this may seem odd; however, it is a practice that would catch an intruder off guard,” she wrote in the letter, published by TV station WHNT in Huntsville.

“The canned food item could stun the intruder or even knock him out until the police arrive,” Holley wrote. “The canned food item will give the students a sense of empowerment to protect themselves and will make them feel secure in case an intruder enters their classroom.”

KenmoreMiddle

Sadly, it would appear no one has thought to ask the obvious questions of Principal Holley, such as “why not just give the kids nunchucks,” “what is the air speed of a laden can of creamed corn,” and “are you fucking high?” Holley does insist that the projectile pea assault would be a “last resort” and that if they weren’t used by the end of the year, all the collected cans would be donated to a local food pantry.

While I obviously don’t want to see any kids put in danger, I can’t even pretend that I’m not desperately hoping for a follow-up story where a deranged criminal is put down by the combined efforts of Goya Black Beans and 13-year-old Sarah Pennington’s golden throwing arm.

14758_XXX_v1-w2000

* Alabamans are frequently noted for their creativity in place names, evident in such notable locales as Forest, Alabama, Swamp, Alabama, and Thin-Little-Strip-of-Land-Between-Two-Watery-Things-What-Do-Y’all-Call-Those-Again, Alabama.

Original Article

Scarfolk – Somewhere in the north-west of England a town stuck in a hellish vision of the 1970s

scarfolktourism1569_0

“Scarfolk is a town in North West England that did not progress beyond 1979. Instead, the entire decade of the 1970s loops ad infinitum. Here in Scarfolk, pagan rituals blend seamlessly with science; hauntology is a compulsory subject at school, and everyone must be in bed by 8pm because they are perpetually running a slight fever. “Visit Scarfolk today. Our number one priority is keeping rabies at bay.” For more information please reread.”

pg-36-scarfolk-1v2

How to wash a child’s brain: Designer Richard Littler creates fictional world based on terrifying public service films
by SIMON USBORNE Wednesday 17 April 2013

Scarfolk, population unknown. Precise location: open to interpretation. Somewhere in the north-west of England, a town stuck in a hellish vision of the 1970s. Thought detector vans called “think tanks” roll through the streets and those who dare to speak to outsiders are handed black spot cards that require a human sacrifice. It’s a place of pagan rituals where the water is electrified and the fear of grisly death stalks every corner.

A tour of the town is in turns horrific and hilarious. It’s also, thankfully, a ride not around a real place but the brilliantly warped imagination of Scarfolk’s self-appointed mayor.

Continue reading Scarfolk – Somewhere in the north-west of England a town stuck in a hellish vision of the 1970s