Category Archives: One Liners

Today’s One Liners

FRANCE FACT: The town next to Bayonne is called ‘Getonne-free’.

I wonder how many Grandmas are misdiagnosed with hyperthyroid problems, when they’re actually wolves.

A journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single person falling asleep on the last train.

IDEA: Speed Dating, but with ‘winner stays on’ rule.

Marvin Gaye taught me to combine wine making and cattle farming. I herd it through the grapevine.

Supermarkets asked to move daffodils away from fruit & veg to avoid confusion. Shoppers asked to keep arses away from elbows at all times.

Well, if you’re not supposed to lick them, then I’m not sure that they should really be called ‘Lollipop Ladies’. Your honour.

RUGBY FACT: Wales’ last 5 results have been LLWLW. Which is also the Welsh word for ‘disappointing’.

Spent this morning catching some rays. And now I have a lifetime ban from the National Aquarium.

99p Stores bought by Poundland. All change for them

I’ve just spilled quinoa on my laptop keyboard. Assume I need to wipe it clean with a hemp cloth, or a copy of the Guardian?

My date last night ticked a lot of boxes. Including the one that said “Tick if you find it creepy that he’s making you fill in a survey”.

Today’s One Liners

I’m not insecure, but I do shout “I love you!!” into wells every day, just to hear it repeated.

Just seems ridiculous that the word “apiary” doesn’t have any bees in it.

Pa pa pa pa, pa pa pa pa pa pa pa, pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pass the butter O o o o, o o o o o o o, o o o o o o ok – Pearl & Dean at breakfast

Just once I’d like to be able to call in sick and use the excuse ‘Because I’m a dolphin’.

One of those hangovers where you’re only an unfortunately-timed sneeze away from dislodging several vital organs.

The first rule of Halibut Awareness Club is that there is no such thing as Halibut Awareness Club. That would be ludicrous.

“Let them tweet cake.” – Marie Internette

People keep giving me scale models of Liverpool. I suppose I should be thankful for small Merseys.

Woke up this morning with my brain whirring – actually is it supposed to make that noise?

Of course, I’d already been fired from SeaWorld by the time I realised that “Sperm Whales” is the name of a species, rather than a task.

“These heels are KILLING me.” – Achilles

Well, that’s the last time I share a sauna with Gwyneth Paltrow.

Today’s One liners

Seems The Sun only suffered short term mammary loss.

The Sun on Wednesday – Boobs: out.The Sun on Thursday – Boobs out.

Before Nigel Farage we could only guess what would happen if you put a weasel into a large hadron collider with a ploughman’s lunch.

Mad to think the entire world would be Christian by now if God had posted the 10 Commandments on BuzzFeed, with a gif for each one.

There’s no rest for the wicked. Which is why they tend not to play snooker.

Farming often has detractors. And decows, desheep, and defields.

I was in Boots earlier, and I have to say, I think they’ve massively overestimated the moisturiser and shower gel requirements of Doves.

“What are these pedometers for?” “Keep your distance” “Alright, mate, I was only asking”

You think orange flavoured liqueur is best? Cointreauversial.

Sir Veillance: King Arthur’s Head of Security.

Today’s One Liners

Just seen some statistics on the most common way that people walk when drunk. It’s staggering.

Cameron called Britain ‘factory for Europe’. He obviously deleted an ‘unsatis’ by mistake.

My TV turns on when I say ‘Ulysses’. It’s Joyce activated.

So I clicked on the ‘Your energy bill explained’ button. Just a silent video of a man dancing with multicoloured ribbons in his hands.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will completely destroy my confidence and plague me for eternity on a much deeper level.

Tess Daly to be reduced to Tess Weekly due to family commitments.

I was going to grow a beard, but then remembered that I work in marketing, so I’ve decided to implement a facial hair strategy instead.

Having just watched the news I think I might put Schindler’s List on to try and cheer myself up.

Henry F. Philips: I’ve invented the world’s most revolutionary screwdriver. Alan Flathead: Oh for fuck’s sake. I just about to do that.

Don’t talk to me about bad metaphors, I’ve got them coming out of my arms.

Show your wife who’s boss by emailing her a photo of your manager.

My ex left because I “lack imagination”. “Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.

Today’s One Liners

Recreate the experience of being on Storage Hunters by shouting “Oh yeah!” every time you open your garage.

Britain’s oldest person is celebrating her 112th Birthday, just 3 days after the death of the previous title holder. Surely “too soon”?

Britain’s oldest person has died. When are the police going to take more notice of the fact that this mysteriously KEEPS happening.

Still in bed reading a magazine, before the IKEA trip. The lie-in, the Which?, then the wardrobe.

Sad that due to EU bureaucracy, Winnie the Pooh now lives in the “404,686 Square Metre Wood”.

Q. Why doesn’t Christopher Robin like giving massages? A. It makes him knead a Pooh.

There are way too many weirdos on Social media. I’m just glad that me and my real human-hair doll collection are safe here in my mum’s basement.

Kept making Freudian Slips in front of my date, then one thong led to a mother.

There’s a man from the Poetry Society at the door. He’s come to check my metre.

The three most important things to get right in a tweet are speling, punctuation: and grammars.

People who wash jumpers at high temperatures are a tight-knit community

If only Lego had some way to make themselves an Oscar.

Lego refuses to comment on Oscar snub, due to lack of middle finger on toys.

One, Two, Three O’clock, Four O’clock rock, Five, Six, Seven O’clock, Eight O’clock rock – Geology Teacher’s Timetable

Screw this satire, clever word-play, and heated debate, I’m off to Facebook to see what people had as their picture when they joined

Today’s One Liners

I refer to my genitals as the ‘Crown Jewels’. Mainly because they’re often on display to tourists at the Tower of London

I’ve spent ages conquering my fear of chickens, by developing a machine to make wire enclosures for them. It’s a cooping mechanism.

“I have parrot-like reflexes.” “Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?” “Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

7/10 students now get a 2:1, but students insist degrees aren’t getting easier – “65% isn’t *that* high” said a recent 2:1 maths graduate.

Well these so-called rescue dogs are shit, aren’t they? Mine can’t even climb a ladder, never mind drive a fire engine.

So many kids these days are addicted to brackets. I blame the parentheses.

‘The world’s oldest person has died’ means the same as ‘the world’s oldest person has gotten younger’.

I support feminism, and white male rappers. I’m a Femineminemeninist.

Recent Results for Lion King FC:
A win, away,
A win, away,
A win, away,
A win, away.

“I know I speak on behalf of all of us…” – Ventriloquist to his dummies

Statisticians are men of means.

Surely it can’t be long now ’til hairdressers finally release the results of that massive poll they’ve been taking on holiday destinations?

I think Tony Blair should put his money where his mouth is. It might muffle him a bit.

Think I may have narcolepsy, but I’m certainly not going to lose any sleep over it.

Today’s One Liners

It’s a shame that people with the least open minds often have the most open mouths.

What idiot called it ‘feeding your baby in public’ rather than ‘opening a breastaurant’?

If a boob job goes ‘tits up’, is that a good or a bad thing?

My girlfriend told me I needed to be her ‘rock’. She left before I was even half way through the script of the first ‘Scorpion King’.

My dad always told me, “you can’t polish a turd”. In hindsight, I probably should have just taken his word for it.

The Doctor cupped my balls and asked me to cough. At which point I thought I should probably get out of the Tardis.

Now that they’ve released Taken 3, I assume another sequel should be Taken 4: Granted.

When I told my sister she might meet someone at the “A-Team lookalikes night”, she pulled a Face.

Given that the author, title, and brief description of a book are on the cover, I’d say that’s actually one of the best places to judge it.

Oldham will not agree to go ahead with Ched Evans. So at least that will be familiar territory for him.

Sad to discover that ‘superbugs’ isn’t the name of a rabbit with special powers.

I like my women how I like my coffee: drunk at breakfast.

Asked a beautiful lady if I could have her phone number. She said yes, and now I keep getting calls from guys asking me out.

Guns don’t kill people. Nor do religions. People with guns who misinterpret religions to further their own agendas kill people. Bastards.